How Activation Energy, Fear and Failure are Pivotal to Success

Part Three of the Green-Eyed Perspective on Goals

In Part One, we discussed the risks and rewards of aiming for the moon. Sometimes setting a grandiose goal can be inspiring but other times it can be daunting and demotivating.

In Part Two, we discussed what to do if you aren't sure what your goals are, what you truly want to do or who you're supposed to be. Thus far we've identified the undesirable situation we'd like to change. That was Step One. Step Two begins when we are ready to ask the question, "What am I going to DO about this situation?"

Read the rest at:
GreenEyedGuide - Part Three

I'm not ready, I'm not ready...

When ‘Like’ or ‘Share’ Isn’t Enough – 7 Ways to Support the Fight Against Breast Cancer

 

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. While October is also considered Energy Awareness Month, National Spinal Health Month, National AIDS Awareness month and Down Syndrome Awareness Month, this post is dedicated to my grandpa, Art Wallace, who is currently battling Breast Cancer.

I believe that when you want to show support for a cause, your support must be wholehearted – if you truly believe in something and want to show support or help those in need, the commitment of your actions must match or exceed the conviction of your words. While I recognize that “Liking” and “Sharing” on Facebook and other social media helps spread awareness and empathy, I personally do not feel that these actions are enough. This personal opinion is why I’ve compiled a list of Seven Ways to Show Support for Breast Cancer Awareness and Prevention.

Winning, Pinball, Socrates and Hamlet - Green-Eyed Guide on Goals, Part Two

In Part One of The Green-Eyed Perspective on Goals we learned it’s possible the Green-Eyed Guide and Charlie Sheen are both obsessed with winning. We also discovered the caveats to setting grandiose goals.

At some point in your life, you may get the sudden shocking realization you aren’t sure what your goals are. Perhaps you feel something is missing from the Big Picture that is your life, but you aren’t sure exactly what that missing piece is. Sometimes trying to pinpoint why you feel incomplete or unfulfilled is like trying to see through fog, or trying to hear a song when the radio is cutting out. What do you do when only the outline of an object is visible? How do you enjoy the song when there’s so much static interference? How do you proceed toward your goals if you’re not exactly sure what they are, or why you’re pursuing them?

 Step One: Pinball Wizard meets “Identity Capital”

Step Two: Activation Energy

Step Three: Failing and Feedback

Ten years ago I wanted to write a guide to energy drinks (check); I also wanted to get married by age 25, live in San Diego and be a community college teacher. I underestimated how much more confident and grounded in my identity I would feel a few years after 25, that I’d leave San Diego for Long Beach, and that I’d turn down two college teaching offers for a research and development position I find both challenging and rewarding. Life is funny sometimes.

Personally, I think setting goals involves channeling your inner Pinball Wizard. If you are lucky enough to have a clear image of what you want, go after it. Just be prepared for your path to change, or for the goal itself to move. If you’re not sure what you want to do for the next ten years, how about the next two? This is where Identity Capital comes in.

Read the rest at: Part Two - Green-Eyed Guide on Goals

THE POWER OF A HUG

A good hug makes you smile, but a great hug stays with you, like the warmth of a long hot shower. Not everyone is capable of giving a great hug, and not everyone is lucky enough to receive one. There are those who insist they're not huggers, there are those who give the awkward sideways hug, those who can't seem to get the arms right and choke the other person, and then there are those who give close tight hugs.

The most powerful hugs it seems are hugs of comfort. Whether it's between a parent and child, between a couple or maybe just between best friends, in these hugs time slows. The arms of the one providing the comfort act almost like a shield and, for just that moment in time, optimism takes hold, inner strength builds and the stress of the situation just melts away.

Hugs of comfort are extremely powerful but hugs of adoration are equal in their ability to convey a hundred words without speaking. Hugs of adoration usually exceed hugs of comfort in their tightness and duration, and almost always eliminate the space between the two parties. Chest to chest, you can almost feel the other person's heart beating. You can feel their warmth, smell their hair, and simply bask in the radiance of their presence.  While these hugs aren't catalysts of optimism and strength like comfort hugs, adoration hugs often represent powerful opportunities and turning points. Face to face, you can look at someone the eye, say goodbye or give in to the passion of the moment. 

Great hugs like these are more rare than one might think. When they do come along, embrace it – literally. Savor the hug for as long as it lasts. It'll be over before you know it and all you're left with is the memory, the warmth and hopefully a smile. That is the power of a hug. 

The Jellyfish Effect: 5 Tools to Deal With Traffic

There's a line in the cult classic Clueless where Cher's father tells her she has 20 minutes to get home. As he explains, "Everywhere in L.A. takes 20 minutes." If you've ever had the opportunity to drive through Los Angeles, you'd know this line is funny because it's so wrong. At times, driving through LA reminds me of trying to get out of the parking lot of a baseball stadium at the end of a playoff game. Other times, driving on LA freeways reminds me of trying to speed-walk through a mall populated with groups of 4 friends that insist on all walking side by side. Honestly,…

Some of you from New York or New Jersey are probably yelling at me right now, "Oh pu-lease! You think Los Angeles is bad!?!" Instead of trying to agree on which city has the worst traffic, can we all just agree that traffic is aggravating and exasperating? We all have different ways of dealing with road congestion and while The Most Interesting Man in the World reportedly cures Road Rage, here are my personal tools for dealing with those times I can't drive 55.

AIM FOR THE MOON or the dust?

Crap, I thought out loud. I'm on the losing team. Fantastic. This is NOT what I signed up for!

It was Opening Day of the Adult Kickball Fall season and half my team didn't even show up. The other half that did show up were, shall we say, a little woozy from their morning mimosas. I have nothing against mimosas for breakfast, but I'm not a big fan of losing, and I hate forfeiting. As I started to get worked up and frustrated with the prospect of being the Houston Astros of the kickball league, I was saved by a simple rhetorical question, a turtle and a boxer.

"That was brave" versus "I wonder if..."

What is it like to step up to the plate, hoping you get to be the hero and hit the home run that wins the game while fearing you will swing and miss, thereby bringing shame not only upon yourself, but upon your family, your fans and your whole team?

What is it like to tell someone you've fallen for them without knowing where they stand or how they truly feel about you?

What is it like to stand up in front of a crowd of strangers and open your lips to deliver a song or a speech you've been practicing and perfecting for months on end?

These scenarios are just a few examples of what it's like to pit vulnerability and fear against passion, drive and commitment. If you don't try at all, you won't fail, but you won't succeed either. If you never fall for anyone, you'll never get hurt, but you'll also never know true love. If you never stand up in front of a crowd of strangers, you'll never face the ridicule of people who don't enjoy your material, but you'll also never know the satisfaction of truly connecting with your audience.

"The safest risk is the one not taken" goes a popular motto in the field of Quality Assurance. But without risk, there is no reward. A quest to ensure safety is hardly a quest because the only way to stay safe is to take no action at all. This dichotomy is captured in Finding Nemo:

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him. Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise. Marlin: What? Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

On a personal note, fear has dominated much of my teenage years and I suspect fear was what really ended my gymnastics career, not the knee injury - one brought about the other. As I grow older I am getting better at following the mantra, "I'd rather say 'WOW, that was brave' than 'I wonder if...' ". At times it can be excruciating to act upon my curiosity and drive instead of obliging my fear. But often the first step is the hardest, and the satisfaction of actually taking action is much more rewarding than the satisfaction I'd get if I played it safe and never tried.

Maybe I won't be remembered as being the smartest or greatest, and I will probably always be a little cautious and analytical, but I would also like to be remembered as being brave.

Bold takes initiative.

-  Green-Eyed Guide

The first time you hang out with a new friend, don't shove anything down their throat...

I understand that getting to know someone can be exciting, nerve-racking and also a bit daunting. I understand that people are naturally curious and that, aside from de/re-constructing something, asking questions feeds that curiosity. What I don't understand is why people feel the need to put their new friend, new neighbor or first date on the spotlight.
When you meet someone new, the command "So tell me about yourself" is akin to shoving the microphone down someone's throat. James Lipton would never ask a question like that so neither should anyone else.When you ask that type of all-encompassing question, what type of answer do you expect? I suppose the first words out of your victim's mouth will indeed give you clues to what they value. Do they talk about where they grew up or where they work? Do they talk about their birth order or their first pet?



Steven Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, addresses the different ways a person defines him or herself. People can be "work centered", "family centered", "money centered" etc. For example, being "work centered", I am what I do. When someone orders me to "tell (me) about yourself", the first words out of my mouth are usually about my job title. Who I am is based on what I do. A case could be made that "Tell me about yourself" is a straight-shot at determining what that person sees when they look in the mirror. Ambushed by that question, they will usually offer information about what they consider crucial information to who they are. 

However, make no mistake, this is not a comfortable conversation. If you REALLY want to get to know someone, start with simple, specific questions. "Where did you go to school?" "How do you like living here?" "Did you grow up having a dog?" These are easy questions to ask and even easier to answer. I highly recommend these types of questions instead of the overarching command for someone to sum up their entire existence in 30 seconds or less. This is no easy task, and not everyone knows what truly defines them. Perhaps the person they want to be is not the person they feel they are. "Tell me about yourself" assumes the person you're asking has a grasp on what attributes define them most.

"What do I stand for? Most nights I don't know..." - Fun.

One more note: When your victim stumbles and tries to turn the interrogation on you, don't give them a 5 second answer then turn the questions back on them. How about you take the spotlight for awhile and elaborate on something the two of you might have in common. If you can find something you two have in common, there's hope for this awkward interrogation to turn into a genuine exchange at least, a pleasant conversation at best. Giving an ambiguous answer then continuing the probe with commands like "Keep going - tell me more" just makes matters worse. When your victim escapes your interrogation, you can bet they will try to avoid hanging out with you again.

My Dream Date with 3 Very Different Men

Given the opportunity to have dinner with anyone of my choosing, I would invite Klaus Badelt, John McClane and Sam Seaborn.

Klaus Badelt composed the score to the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and though it eludes me why Hans Zimmer took over for Pirates 2, 3 and 4 it is no mystery why the score of the first movie moves me so. I'm a sucker for a lot of things--biceps, blue eyes, sharp wit, dimples...and strings, especially the cello. Just as I feel some biceps look better than others (if it looks like a balloon about to pop, it's too big), some string arrangements sound better than others (Yellowcard-okay; Mumford-less okay). When it comes to the score of Pirates, Mr. Badelt has created the perfect balance between fluid movement and dynamic power. Though the strings and drums are prominent throughout the entire soundtrack, there's enough music from the other instruments to keep the music from becoming predictable or repetitive.
Honestly, when I listen to the soundtrack, it's like I can see it. As the music grows and fades I can almost feel the notes rising and falling like the chest of a living breathing body or like the rolling waves of the sea. Unlike other movie scores, there are enough different themes throughout the soundtrack to keep it interesting. I've listened to this soundtrack since the movie came out and it still grabs my attention and holds my interest. To this day, I am incapable of listening to "To the Pirates' Cave" without imagining a gymnastics floor routine, dynamic and dramatic.
There are times when you listen to a song and you can just feel the beat. Your foot or finger may start tapping without you realizing it because the beat has become a part of you, as much a part of you as the beat of your own heart. I want to have dinner with Klaus Badelt because this music is his creation. His ideas, his thoughts brought to life can affect me so, and thus I'd love the opportunity to tell him how much his music means to me.

John McClane is the coolest guy I know, much to the disappointment of the guys I know in real life. John McClane is a smart mouth, an alcoholic, a hero and a badass. He is not a good husband and not the best father (well,... he loses points for not being around but wins major points for the length he goes to save his kids). He is at times a bit of a jerk, but what I admire about this guy is his sense of humor and his perseverance.
 Those who know me are familiar with my sense of humor - it's difficult for me to NOT make a cheesy joke when the opportunity is presented. Case in point: my boss and I were discussing problems with protein powders and he said, "There's no way..." at which point I interrupted and said, "No 'whey', get it, hahaha..." (True story).
Suffice to say, I admire John McClane's sense of humor, especially because it comes through even during times of high stress. Like a lot of people, I tend to hunker down and solemn up when faced with extreme stress. Let's be honest, the 'stress' I'm referring to is nothing like being held in a hostage or life-or-death situation with a terrorist, but that's because A) I'm both cautious and lucky and B) I'm not in any action movies. Regardless, I'd like to be able to maintain a sense of humor and clear focus during high stress situations, and that's why I'd like to have dinner with this man--so he can teach me. If nothing else, we could swap cheesy jokes and one-liners all night, and maybe I could convince him to teach me to drive defensively on the 405.

Sam Seaborn is a bit of a nerd but he writes like no one else I know (with the possible exception of Justin Prochnow). For the moment, I'm going to ignore the puppet-master, Aaron Sorkin, who is undeniably the genius behind Sam's writing skills. If you don't know what I mean, watch Episode 1 of the show Studio 60, watch any episode of The West Wing, seasons 1-4, and watch the movie The American President (especially the scene in which Michael J. Fox yells at Michael Douglas).
Aaron Sorkin is a genius but for the moment, Sam Seaborn best personifies a great writer in my mind. Sam Seaborn once said, "Oratory should raise your heart rate. Oratory should blow the doors off the place." And it's true. A great passage in a book, a moving speech, a dramatic monologue--their greatness is measured by how strongly they captivate your attention and stir your imagination. Great writing should be clear and concise, but not formulaic or predicable. Great writing should pull you forward without losing you. Great, powerful writing moves you. Sam knows this. Sam believes this. Sam is a nerd and a bit of a do-gooder, but he is a great writer. I wish I could write like him (because wanting to write like Aaron Sorkin is simply out of the question). Maybe one of them or both of them could share some advice over dinner.

So there you have it: Klaus Badelt for his creativity, John McClane for his stress-management and sense of humor, and Sam Seaborn for his writing.  Maybe one day I'll be able to find a guy who embodies the qualities of these three, and the look in his eyes or the warmth of his hug will be able to move me like Klaus' strings, McClane's sense of humor and Sam's speeches. In the meantime, what moves you?

The Art of the Compliment Sandwich

No one likes to hear that they have messed up or that they are incompetent in some way, but no one is perfect, and mistakes are inevitable. How then do you inform someone that they are missing the mark? Offense makes people play defense so if you come straight out with the sentiment of disappointment, the person is likely to shut out your message and work on their rebuttal. Alas, the compliment sandwich to the rescue!

The bread –
This is a strategy I like to call "Charm and Disarm". Start with a statement that acknowledges the person's good deeds or good efforts. With this strategy, the person is more inclined to listen to you. Furthermore, if you are genuinely able to emphasize with someone, your feedback might actually be more constructive because you will have a better understanding of their intentions. First seek to understand.

The meat –
This is where you deliver the bad news. Whether the person is acting lazy, incompetent, inconsiderate or perhaps just naïve, they deserve to know they are not meeting your expectations, and you deserve the chance to communicate that shortcoming. Communication is the key, and communication breakdowns perpetuate numerous problems that otherwise wouldn't be big enough to be considered a problem. 

How many times have you tried to tell someone something important, something you wanted them to know or wanted them to fix, and you felt they were just waiting for their turn to speak? How ironic that in this age of advanced technology and rapid communication, we as a population still struggle to talk to one another.

In conclusion, I am not suggesting you sugar-coat every negative comment or lower your standards for issues that are important to you. I am suggesting that the Compliment Sandwich can foster teamwork, understanding, clarity and actual progress.

Common example #1 – to the parent, grandparent, or roommate that buys you that token hideous holiday sweater:

"Wow, isn't this (original, unique, colorful, vibrant, festive…). Did you pick this out just for me? You know, I'm not sure this is really my style but I appreciate the thought and it was so sweet of you to go through that trouble to find this just for me."

 Common example #2 – to the coworker who can't cook but still tries to make everyone happy by bringing in baked goods or other treats:

"Wow, did you make these yourself? That must've taken you some time and energy, thank you.
(Meat A – the nice or cowardly way out) I'm trying to (watch my weight, limit my carbohydrates/fats/sweets/salt intake etc); or
(Meat B – the more direct approach). Those baked goods are a little (salty, hard, sour, undercooked etc) for my taste.
I think I'm going to have to pass. Thank you though, for your efforts.

Common Example #3 – to the employee who is not getting the task done as you asked them to:

Compliment their outfit or hairdo, or find something (anything) that they do that is good (if you can't find one single thing, why are they still your employee?). You might say you appreciate the work they did or the energy they put into the project, then point out that you were hoping they would do A, B and C instead of X, Y and Z. Point out that, if you were them, you wouldn't have thought to approach task A like that, you'd have approached it by (explain here what you wanted them to do in the first place so they learn something). For your closing statement, you can express to them that you are glad you had a chance to clear this up because people work better when everyone is on the same page.

If you can get over your frustration with the person and communicate your needs more effectively, you'll find truth in the infamous lyrics, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need."

Yours Truly,
Green Eyed Guide

Because 1st Base is SO Important

I'm sharing this because I feel it's important to cast insecurity aside and seek advice when you need it. I'm not the only girl that would think twice about dating a bad kisser--that's the unfortunate truth. The good news is learning how to kiss well is easier than overcoming an addiction to W.O.W. or an obsession with the Dodgers.
http://www.how-to-kiss.org/how-to-french-kiss/ 

If a picture is worth a thousand words then a kiss is worth at least half that. A kiss can say so much, whether it's "I'll miss you but this is goodbye" to "I'm so lucky you're in my life" to "You are the hottest person in the room." What you DON'T want a kiss to say is "I'm not entirely sober" or "You make my mouth water." Whether a kiss says "I really, really like you" or "I'm not entirely sure I like you that much" is really up to you and your situation.

The important thing to note (ahem, aside from all the wonderful advice on the How To site above) is that you don't have to be a natural. I believe that anyone can become a good kisser and that, like with everything else, it takes practice, patience, humility, a good sense of humor and open communication to go from mediocre to great. 

Don't get picked off 1st base. You boys may disagree, and even some of you girls, but in my world, 1st base is the best. 
;D - Your Green-Eyed Guide

What NOT to do on a First Date

Dating Don'ts and Disasters
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Finally home after what seems like the worst date I've ever been on, I feel compelled to share what I consider the faux pas of dating. I'd assumed this was common knowledge, but after tonight I know it's safe to assume nothing when it comes to dating.

1.     Do not show up in a wife-beater T-shirt and jeans, or any other outfit that looks overly casual. Your date doesn't expect you to wear a coat and tie or a ball-gown, but the first time you see your date in person, it helps for that first impression if you are well-dressed.
Automatic strikeouts – blue jeans and a blue T-shirt (don't you like any other color?), socks with sandals, those "barefoot" shoes with toes, excessive cleavage (meaning acres of chest and yards of legs – pick ONE to show off and save the rest for later)

2.     Do not call your date "dude" or use the word "like" twice in every other sentence. Your date doesn't expect you to speak like a college professor, and to flaunt a massive vocabulary on the first date can be intimidating and off-putting. Still, excessive use of "dude" and "like" gets old real fast, even in Southern California.

3.     If your date is a big sports fan, and you go somewhere together to watch the game, watch the game with them. When you try to interview them during the game, you will get incomplete answers and building resentment. Talking is what the commercials are for. No one is suggesting you have to sit in complete silence while the game is going on, but if your date is a huge sports fan and he/she is watching a playoff game, it is NOT a good time to ask them about their career goals and their family life. Choose your moments, or you'll strike out looking.

15 Ways to Convince Your GF Baseball is the Best Sport

What do you do when your darling girlfriend (or boyfriend) doesn't understand why you NEED to watch the baseball game? How do you convince them that this seemingly boring sport is truly the best sport of all? Try these arguments on them:

1.      When hockey players win the Stanley Cup and when football players win the Super Bowl, they get commemorative baseball hats.

2.      Even those who don’t enjoy baseball can’t deny they enjoy getting to "first base" on a first date.

3.      Also like dating, baseball is "a game of inches".

Top 10 Ways to Start Talking to Attractive Strangers

1. If they have one or both arms covered in tattoos (referred to as sleeves): 
   Ask them which arm they got done first (or if they plan on getting the second arm done). Historically, the left arm was used to hold the shield. Shields are typically adorned with important designs such as a family crest, a country's flag etc. Nine times out of ten, someone with both sleeves will have gotten the left arm done first. Coincidence? Ask them if they think so.